FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION
BY: GILAINNE SYTINGCO
I was going through some old video files the other day and came across one featuring Indian-Canadian comedian Russell Peters. Remembering the fact that my friends and I used to watch this particular clip over and over again, I decided to play it. In this show, Peters poked a lot of fun at the difference between how Westerners (particularly ‘White Canadian’) and Asians parent their kids. Although it was all jokes and fun, the issues underlying all those comic stories struck a chord. There is a difference in how we Asians are parented. Sometimes I think it’s pointless for Asian parents to read parenting books written by Europeans. “How to bring up your child” by Dr I.M. Goodad. No – Asians should read parenting books written by those of the same culture. Then, maybe, they can relate to it a lot more.
Peters mentioned the fact that Europeans are ‘too soft’ on their kids. Now, whist quoting from a comedian is hardly the basis for a statistic-based fact, this is actually the true view of many Asian parents. But I’m not here to talk directly about that. Instead, I’d like to draw other contrasts between the two parenting cultures.
Europeans, as a whole, tend to be more encouraging – at least from what I can see. Parents and teachers alike use kind words to build children up from an early age. I realise this is not the case for all people, but bear with me – I’m referring to generalities here. Asians, on the other hand, prefer to ‘expose’ their kids to the harshness of life from an early age (that’s putting it in a nice way). Whether it be the rat-race environment in Asia, or just plain culture, Asian children, from one generation to another, are generally not exposed to the same kind words. Most of you will know what I’m talking about. Little Johnny from your class goes home carrying a report card with appalling grades. His mum gives him a hug and a kiss and tells him that it’s ok, he’ll do better next time, and that he’s still her little champion. Meanwhile, Little Ying-Ying goes home to her mum carrying a report card with the same appalling grades. Instead of hugs, kisses and kind words, what faces her is the scolding (and most likely spanking) of her life. She gets told to stop wasting her time playing, to study harder, and gets carted off to tuition for ALL her subjects at school (plus advanced classes for next year’s subjects too). But whilst she’s constantly pushed and criticized throughout her growing years, her mum is a proud parent, boasting about all her daughter’s achievements to her friends. However, mum thinks Ying-Ying need not hear this – it might make her head too big and she’ll stop working hard and won’t get anywhere in life.
Backtracking a little bit, we’ve just come across another contrast. Growing up, pretty much all the Asian kids in my school had huge amounts of tuition, for most, if not all their subjects. Aside from that, they also had art classes, music classes (theory and practical in one or more instruments), sports classes (swimming, badminton or chess), language classes and many more. European kids, on the other hand, didn’t have so much tuition. Sure, the odd couple had some music lessons, some belonged to a sports club of some sort – but on the whole they were free to do whatever they wanted…that is, go home after school and watch cartoons on TV. Of course, there are other contrasts, but let’s settle on these two for now, lest this piece of writing gets too long.
Growing up, there were times when I really envied my European friends. Unlike me, they weren’t subject to strict schedules and pressures. They could watch TV every day (we had a no-TV-during-weekdays rule at our house). Their parents only said nice things to them and always affirmed them – constantly telling them they were great. To be honest, there were times when I really really wished my parents were like that. I mean - I never once heard those words from my parents. My mum defines ‘encouraging’ as something akin to criticizing: “challenging” me to do better next time.
But now, looking back, I see things slightly differently. Parenting is a tough job. It’s something our parents are experiencing for the first time. They’re learning too. The parenting styles they use are a modified version of how their parents brought them up. You often hear adults talking about how they had it hard from their parents when they were kids. So the way I see it, we can learn a lot from how our parents parent us.
Having an Asian background but living in a European country, we have the best of both worlds. We see how our parents parent us. We see how Europeans bring their kids up. Us ‘hybrids’ can take the best of what we see from both worlds and bring them together. It won’t be all perfect – I’m sure our children will see things differently and have problems with things as well; but call it a work in progress of sorts. That’s really what parenting is.
Having reflected on this, I guess I can say what sort of parent I’d like to be if and when I have a child/children. Soft but firm at the same time, I’d like to have a bond with him/her/them as close as the one my mum and I have. At times we’re more like best friends rather than parent and child. Of course, I’ll subject them to various kinds of tuition and extra-curricular activities. Whilst they may complain when they’re young, they’ll realise the value it has when they’re older – it helps them become all-rounders. And whilst a challenge is needed to push him/her/them forward at least one step, if not more, it can be done with encouraging and not harsh words…coupled with lots of hugs and kisses.
It’s times like these when you really do appreciate the lessons learnt from one generation to another…which makes you appreciate those that have brought you up even more.
