From Generation to Generation

FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION
BY: GILAINNE SYTINGCO

I was going through some old video files the other day and came across one featuring Indian-Canadian comedian Russell Peters. Remembering the fact that my friends and I used to watch this particular clip over and over again, I decided to play it. In this show, Peters poked a lot of fun at the difference between how Westerners (particularly ‘White Canadian’) and Asians parent their kids. Although it was all jokes and fun, the issues underlying all those comic stories struck a chord. There is a difference in how we Asians are parented. Sometimes I think it’s pointless for Asian parents to read parenting books written by Europeans. “How to bring up your child” by Dr I.M. Goodad. No – Asians should read parenting books written by those of the same culture. Then, maybe, they can relate to it a lot more.

Peters mentioned the fact that Europeans are ‘too soft’ on their kids. Now, whist quoting from a comedian is hardly the basis for a statistic-based fact, this is actually the true view of many Asian parents. But I’m not here to talk directly about that. Instead, I’d like to draw other contrasts between the two parenting cultures.

Europeans, as a whole, tend to be more encouraging – at least from what I can see. Parents and teachers alike use kind words to build children up from an early age. I realise this is not the case for all people, but bear with me – I’m referring to generalities here. Asians, on the other hand, prefer to ‘expose’ their kids to the harshness of life from an early age (that’s putting it in a nice way). Whether it be the rat-race environment in Asia, or just plain culture, Asian children, from one generation to another, are generally not exposed to the same kind words. Most of you will know what I’m talking about. Little Johnny from your class goes home carrying a report card with appalling grades. His mum gives him a hug and a kiss and tells him that it’s ok, he’ll do better next time, and that he’s still her little champion. Meanwhile, Little Ying-Ying goes home to her mum carrying a report card with the same appalling grades. Instead of hugs, kisses and kind words, what faces her is the scolding (and most likely spanking) of her life. She gets told to stop wasting her time playing, to study harder, and gets carted off to tuition for ALL her subjects at school (plus advanced classes for next year’s subjects too). But whilst she’s constantly pushed and criticized throughout her growing years, her mum is a proud parent, boasting about all her daughter’s achievements to her friends. However, mum thinks Ying-Ying need not hear this – it might make her head too big and she’ll stop working hard and won’t get anywhere in life.

Backtracking a little bit, we’ve just come across another contrast. Growing up, pretty much all the Asian kids in my school had huge amounts of tuition, for most, if not all their subjects. Aside from that, they also had art classes, music classes (theory and practical in one or more instruments), sports classes (swimming, badminton or chess), language classes and many more. European kids, on the other hand, didn’t have so much tuition. Sure, the odd couple had some music lessons, some belonged to a sports club of some sort – but on the whole they were free to do whatever they wanted…that is, go home after school and watch cartoons on TV. Of course, there are other contrasts, but let’s settle on these two for now, lest this piece of writing gets too long.

Growing up, there were times when I really envied my European friends. Unlike me, they weren’t subject to strict schedules and pressures. They could watch TV every day (we had a no-TV-during-weekdays rule at our house). Their parents only said nice things to them and always affirmed them – constantly telling them they were great. To be honest, there were times when I really really wished my parents were like that. I mean - I never once heard those words from my parents. My mum defines ‘encouraging’ as something akin to criticizing: “challenging” me to do better next time.

But now, looking back, I see things slightly differently. Parenting is a tough job. It’s something our parents are experiencing for the first time. They’re learning too. The parenting styles they use are a modified version of how their parents brought them up. You often hear adults talking about how they had it hard from their parents when they were kids. So the way I see it, we can learn a lot from how our parents parent us.

Having an Asian background but living in a European country, we have the best of both worlds. We see how our parents parent us. We see how Europeans bring their kids up. Us ‘hybrids’ can take the best of what we see from both worlds and bring them together. It won’t be all perfect – I’m sure our children will see things differently and have problems with things as well; but call it a work in progress of sorts. That’s really what parenting is.

Having reflected on this, I guess I can say what sort of parent I’d like to be if and when I have a child/children. Soft but firm at the same time, I’d like to have a bond with him/her/them as close as the one my mum and I have. At times we’re more like best friends rather than parent and child. Of course, I’ll subject them to various kinds of tuition and extra-curricular activities. Whilst they may complain when they’re young, they’ll realise the value it has when they’re older – it helps them become all-rounders. And whilst a challenge is needed to push him/her/them forward at least one step, if not more, it can be done with encouraging and not harsh words…coupled with lots of hugs and kisses.

It’s times like these when you really do appreciate the lessons learnt from one generation to another…which makes you appreciate those that have brought you up even more.

MOVING YOUR CHEESE
BY: GILAINNE SYTINGCO

Five weeks ago one of my best friends moved out of Auckland to pursue her studies. It’s not that I won’t ever see her again…I mean, she’s scheduled to come up here every six weeks or so. But as that event transpired, a thought struck my mind – CHANGE.

Interestingly enough, if you answer.com the word change, you’ll find that one of the listed definitions is “to go from one phase to another, as the moon or the seasons”. That definition, I think, best reflects the change I’m talking about here. I look around me and see change unfolding throughout all aspects of life. For example: in my final year of university studies, I see friends who are or have already moved on. Friends graduate, friends move, friends immigrate overseas. To use the words of the definition above, it’s like everyone is moving from one phase of life to the next…and it’s inevitable, unstoppable. It’s something bound to happen. Change is simply part of life’s journey.

The first article I ever wrote for this column was called ‘Reflections and Resolutions’. A piece about things that I learnt in life so far, I ended the article with: “Life is a journey. Make every step of the way count”. Now, I must have been an idealistic youth, but looking at that statement made me stop and I think to myself – have I made every step of the way count?

In my twenty-one years, I have seen and most certainly experienced many events. I have been through changes and gone from one phase of life to another, as the moon or the seasons change. And yet, regrettably, in my journey so far, I forgot one of the very lessons I learnt when I was younger. Certain experiences and changes I have undergone have made me drift through life. I have failed to make every step of the way count.

And so, my goal for this year is to re-apply that lesson in my life. I aim to take one step forward at a time, making each of those steps count…and I invite you to undertake this challenge with me.

Now this may seem like a daunting and so very ambiguous challenge. What exactly does it mean to make each step of life count? I am no guru and I am most certainly not here to tell you exactly what to do. Life, after all, does not consist of living by a set formula for everyone to follow. We’re not sheep. We’re people. People who all live very different lives, whose day-ins and day-outs are constituted by a myriad of experiences and changes. I am not here to give you a rosy view of life from a bouncy castle – some pop-y, feel good advice on how to live your life. No, I am merely here to express and share my thoughts and the things I have come across.

So let’s make this a little more personal. I guess applying that lesson in my life would mean the demise of the days of daydreaming, and the commencement of the days of action. I have my dreams and I have my goals, and at this stage in life, I should really start working harder to achieve them. In this sense, I guess the word ‘focus’ should really become my mantra for the next year. In an article “Dreams are not Enough”, Elizabeth Berg writes: “What happens to our dreams? They die of lack of nourishment, that’s what. ‘Later’, we say and when we turn around, they’re gone”. I don’t want to live my life aimlessly and without focus…to the point where my dreams have just gone and passed me by.

With this in mind, I close this piece in the same manner I ended the first article I wrote: “Aim for the heavens because even if you fail, you’ll land among the stars”. To make every step of life’s journey count may seem like a huge overwhelming life-long challenge. But to aim to achieve it would be reaching to grab one of those stars. Will you step up to the plate too?

THE NOTORIOUS MALADY
By: Gilainne Sytingco


Throughout the week Adam had spent over $1000 on himself – buying clothes, big boys’ toys and electronics. But, come Sunday at church, when it was time to tithe, Adam was struck with a sudden bout of something. He didn’t know what it was, and the doctors didn’t know how to cure it. All they knew was that Adam had Disease X – a disease so common that it had infected the whole world.

Yeah, you have it too. And you know what disease I’m talking about. It’s that disease that is non-existent when you’re off splurging on yourself – expensive clothes, beautiful house, hot car, fabulous gourmet food…but suddenly hits you when you’re mean to give. It’s a disease that causes you to swiftly and abruptly become paralyzed…unable to reach for your wallet when you hear the words “Offering”, “Tithing” “Giving” or “Charity”. It’s a disease otherwise known as the ‘Ebenezer Scrooge disease’.

The beauty of Christmas is that (and here I’m talking about something more than the pretty lights, catchy jingles, feasts and décor-laden trees): apart from celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, it is also known as the Season of Giving. We give gifts to family, friends, and heck – even ourselves. But, for most of us, that’s where the giving stops. We take no account of and make no provision for those who are less fortunate than us…and we console our consciences by arguing that there are other people out there who’ll bestow the poor with something (and at the very least, there will be shelters and soup kitchens in the city over Christmas). Other people don’t even console their consciences – they rationalize and make ‘logical’ arguments with themselves. Let me give you examples of some of the most common excuses these people come up with:
1. The poor are poor by choice – they got themselves into that mess and so it’s up
to them to deal with it and suffer the consequences.
2. The money I give the poor will only be wasted. They’ll spend it on things like drugs
or alcohol.
3. If I give them money, someone else will steal it off them anyway. At the end of the
day, they’ll still end up with no money, so there really is no point.
4. I have my own needs. I can only afford to give so much and it won’t really make a
difference anyway.

But see, here’s where you’re wrong. Not all of the unfortunate are poor and needy by choice. What you give will make a difference – no matter how big or small it is. And it certainly won’t be wasted…at the very least, you’ll be brightening somebody’s day.

My church does something along these lines every Christmas. The church as a body sends out food boxes to those in our community who are less fortunate. And these aren’t tiny boxes with one or two items either. These are massive boxes stuffed and packed (to the brim) with food. Every year, we hear stories of how a little thing like that impacts a whole family’s lives. One tale was about a woman who was sitting in front of the TV crying because she just saw an movie about Christmas and she became depressed at the fact that she couldn’t afford to buy any ‘Christmas food’ for her family. She was overjoyed when she opened her door and found a friendly face with a huge box full of food! Another tale tells of a woman who couldn’t afford diapers for her baby. She was distressed and miserable, feeling helpless and inadequate. Imagine her great surprise and gratitude when she got the only food box with diapers inside!

These stories may seem cliché and movie-like to you. But let me tell you – they are very real indeed. The less fortunate are all around us – wouldn’t it be great if we all emulated the meaning of Christmas and gave even just a little bit to those in need?

At the very least, put it this way – Jesus was never a stingy prune. Give a little.

ON FACING HURTS
By: Gilainne Sytingco

We’ve all experienced hurts – whether you’ve been heartbroken, betrayed or rejected. Hurts hurt. In addition, I’m sure we can all agree that when we are intentionally hurt by someone close to our heart, we are more likely to be deeply depressed, and beleaguered by loneliness and discouragement. In fact it is even more painful and heart-breaking.

Anyone can hurt you. After all, there are both good and bad people out there, from school, to work, and even in church. In fact, no matter what their culture, their beliefs or their religion, you will find both good and bad people amongst every facet in society.

When we face hurts, it often has a negative effect on us. The worst of these effects is probably on our emotions. However, in facing such hurts, there are two things we need to ruminate on.

Let’s call the first thing outward-reflection. Realise that we are all imperfect people. The bible states that we’re all sinners. Hence, because of this, at some stage or another, we’ll all end up hurting each other, whether deliberately or inadvertently.

Being angry actually takes a lot of energy. It’s a powerful emotion, and one that ends up draining you. Don’t you think that it would be better to use all that emotion and energy for something more positive – like forgiveness?

Some people believe that forgiveness equates to a restoration of trust. That is absolute nonsense and is so not true. There is a clear difference between trust and forgiveness. We all know that when we’ve been hurt badly, it’s often difficult to trust that person again. So let me share with you this little piece of insight I’ve received lately - I’ve been reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, and one of the chapters highlights the difference between the two. Essentially, forgiveness is letting go of the past, but trust has to do with future behaviour. Warren highlights the importance of forgiving someone immediately, whether or not a person asks for it. Upon reflection, I believe that this is true, and that it especially applies to those closest to our hearts. When someone we love hurts us, we find that we forgive them immediately, even if they don’t ask for forgiveness. That, I suppose, is one of the powers of love.

However, Warren also states that trust must be rebuilt over time. It requires a track-record:
“If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you. They must prove they have changed over time.”

Let’s move on to the second fold: inward-reflection. See the situation positively. Bad experiences are also beneficial as they teach you numerous things. For example, if someone betrays you, you learn to take care who you put your trust in. If someone lies to you, you learn about the importance and value of honesty. If someone slanders you, you learn about strength of character and endurance. And if someone breaks your heart, you learn to guard it and be more cautious about who you give it to. One’s hurts and pains transpire to test and build our strength, our faith and our character. We learn life lessons and they help make us the person we are to become.

And so when we go through these hurts or bad experiences, we should just forgive, pray and trust in God. Philippians 3:13 states: ‘…But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind, and straining towards what is ahead’.

Trusting in God, giving Him all our past hurts, present problems and all our fears and worries, is a conscious decision. Of course, I realise that this is easier said than done – it’s a struggle I myself go through every day. However, we should still depend on God to carry us through; and believe that His grace gives us peace, comfort, strength…and is sufficient to get us through anything. As Philippians 4:13 (Amp) says: ‘I am ready for anything and equal to everything through Him who infuses inner strength in me, that is, I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency’.

So whatever troubling circumstances you are going through at any particular point in time, I would like to encourage you to be confident that you are under God’s watchful eyes, because God knows, and he certainly does care.

ON PERFECTION
By: Gilainne Sytingco

Our world is filled with models and ideals. Every day, the media throws images of perfect people at us – people with the perfect bodies, perfect faces, perfect smiles. In the sporting world, we are faced with models of successful sports people – men and women who truly excel at what they do. In the academic world, we are pushed to get those straight A’s. We are again pushed to succeed, to out-do or best each other, in a competition to claw one’s way to the top. While putting it in this way makes it seem sadistic, and even barbaric at times, this is the reality that we are faced with. We are encouraged to think and act in this way. That’s why it’s called a ‘dog eat dog world’. As a consequence of these societal ideals, we ourselves begin to set these models for ourselves. Instead of being comfortable with who we are, we are UNcomfortable. Most of us see ourselves as simply being not good enough, and so try even harder to succeed.

But what happens if we don’t succeed? What happens if we don’t reach the ideal that society, and even us ourselves have set? The answer is clear and obvious. All around us we see or hear about suicide, depression, and nervous breakdowns. People go into therapy – they see shrinks, and some go down the path of self-medication, which later results in addiction. Drugs and alcohol are prevalent in our society.

As if the fall of man himself is not enough of a tragedy, personal relationships can also suffer as a consequence of such negative self-image and the attempt to compete. I saw a good example of this just recently, while watching America’s Next Top Model. For those of you who don’t already know, this is a television program which showcases a group of girls competing for the title “America’s Top Model”. The girls must complete challenges and are judged by a panel. Each week, one girl is eliminated until there is only one left – the winner of the competition. While the girls are initially pleasant to each other, often developing bonds of friendship, these bonds usually break at some stage. In that installment of the series for example, there was a challenge concerning a commercial which involved the girls to reveal one of their secrets. During this challenge, one girl stole another’s secret. While this may sound truly petty on paper, to have seen the devastation on the other girl’s face and to have been told of the betrayal she felt, and, on top of that, to see what effect it had on her subsequent performance is proof enough. Any affable bond between these two girls has now been broken, because of the desire to win and to come out on top.

As a result, people become guarded. Trust becomes an issue. A friend of mine working in a big commercial company once told me that his work place environment was so competitive that he felt as if he could trust no one. It was a common practice that, once word that a promotion would be coming up, the employees would spread rumours about each other to destroy the chances of others getting that promotion. To make matters worst, not receiving a promotion often resulted in a lower self-image and low self-esteem. People become even more uncomfortable with themselves. And so, people become lonely. Mark Twain once said that the worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. That must be one of the saddest, but (unfortunately) most true statements I have heard. Perhaps then, it might be better for society to begin changing the trend. Perhaps we should stop with the perfect, often unattainable images and start with the positive self-images.

VICISSITUDES OF ADULTHOOD
BY: GILAINNE SYTINGCO

My mother often reminisces about how obedient I used to be when I was a little girl. Sad to say, this nostalgic mood is usually only brought about by the fact that she becomes so incredibly frustrated when I don’t listen to her. She is antagonized at the fact that there are times when I think that I’m right and she’s wrong, and then, as a result, make a faux pas.

Isn’t it funny how, at such a young age, we think that we can rule the world? Not literally of course. Reflecting back to a few years ago (maybe even to a few days ago), there were times (okay, I admit it…a lot of times) when I thought that I was smarter than my parents. This seems to be a common phenomenon. Even Mark Twain, the celebrated author of Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (among other things), once said: “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years”.

As we grow older and (perhaps) move on to another stage in our lives, we realize that our parents have a lot of wisdom to pass on to us. Thinking back now, I wish I had listened to more of what they had to say about certain things. It would have saved me from making my own errors. Sadly it can also be said that this is an intrinsic quality of human nature – we learn only by making mistakes.

Perhaps then, this is part of the transition from childhood to adulthood. As children we believe ourselves to be above others (namely, our elders) and most especially those who are the closest to us – our parents. As we age, we begin to go through many different experiences and hardships. We are forced to make choices. Because we usually don’t listen to the lessons we have been taught, we make the wrong choices.

If you may, think of it as a chess game. As a player, one must move certain pieces. Move the pawn, the knight, the bishop, or any of the other various pieces, in the hopes of progressing across the board. Make the wrong move and it could cost you the game. Inexperienced players know this, and yet still carelessly move the pieces around, with no strategy as to where to strike next. Experienced players know what’s at stake. Each move is carried out only after careful consideration. Wrong moves are rarely made. With experience comes skill, and it is this skill that is flaunted during the game.

Using this analogy: when we become adults, we gain knowledge and good judgment. We realize the insight and perception that our elders and parents have, and the reason behind the lessons that they have tried to teach us become clearer. Some say that this is wisdom. Going back to Twain’s statement, it was he who was ignorant, and had learned a lot over the seven years.

I try to remember this every time my parents give me lectures, suggestions and pieces of advice. Admittedly, although I’d like to think of myself as a mature and wise adult being, I am still very much a child in a lot of aspects. It’s not easy to listen to wisdom that’s passed on to me.

Life is funny isn’t it? Because when we finally realize the value of the wisdom of our parents and elders, we also become conscious of the fact that this cycle will continue. To the next generation, we will be the ignorant, old-fashioned fools who know nothing. And yet, as cynical as this thought may seem, it often puts a smile on my face. Because this, after all, is the vicissitude of life…part of the transition from childhood into adulthood.

One step at a time – when things go wrong
By: Gilainne Sytingco

Have you ever been in a situation where everything just seems to be going wrong? Where your life just seems to be falling apart, and you can’t seem to do anything to stop it? One thing I’ve truly learnt this year is that life is difficult. However, no matter how hard things get, we should always try to look at the brighter side of things. Here are three things I think about when I am put into a difficult situation.

Limitations
Humans are limited creatures with limited capabilities and capacities. There’s only so much we can do and take…and this is most clearly seen when we are put into difficult situations. However, it is only when faced with obstacles that we can see where we’re at, and strive to improve ourselves. Hence, try to look at difficult situations as challenges and a chance for self-improvement.

Growth
Difficult situations shape us into who we are and enable us to grow. With every mistake and encounter we experience, we learn different life lessons. Most of the time, the only way we’ll learn is through experience. The way I try to look at it is that difficult situations are just one of the classes in the school of life.

Impact
Through experiencing life’s blows, we are better able to relate to others and help them. We are able to understand and listen to others better, and we are able to offer better advice and suggestions. Thus, difficult situations help us make an impact in other peoples’ lives…no matter how big or small.

Finding yourself in a difficult situation is hard…But sometimes, getting out of it is even harder. When the obstacles and challenges just keep piling on, we start to feel as if we’re drowning and can’t get out. It’s like quicksand…you’re being sucked into a place where you don’t want to be in. One thing I’ve learnt is to take things one step at a time. Pray and trust in the Lord to guide you through it. God will not put you into a situation which you cannot handle. Although “God does not promise a life free of storms, he does promise to keep his watchful eyes over us as we go through them”.

F O C U S
By: Gilainne Sytingco

Often times we feel lost…as if our life has no direction. We don’t know where we’re heading. We have lost our grasp on the goals and dreams we once had. We have no aims in life. It’s as if we are stuck in a rut and we can’t get out. But, it’s during these times especially that we think about success - success in general, other people’s achievements, our own accomplishments and failures. We become cynical about life…but really, what we want is just that little bit of success. The question is…How to obtain such success. The answer is simple and can be encapsulated in one single, five-lettered word: F-O-C-U-S.

A synonym for FOCUS would be PAYING ATTENTION. But, is it really that simple? What do you have to pay attention to? The subject seems so vast, doesn’t it? You could pay attention to the way you eat, the way you dress, your finances, your home, your car, your job and any other number of things. The list is endless. So what does one pay attention to?

Believe me when I say that there is a process here. First, we must decide and choose what we want to achieve. Is it better grades? Becoming more sociable? Better fashion-sense? A better car? Excelling at sports? What ever it is, you must decide on the one thing you want to achieve. Now, why is it that we have to decide? Simple. If you don’t know what you want, and if your mind is confused and messed up, then you will never get what you want. Understandably, there are a countless number of things that we all want to achieve. But, it wouldn’t do us any good if we were to decide to want to achieve all of them at the same time, because your attention would be split up between a large number of choices. It would defeat the purpose of the matter at hand, which is to FOCUS.

This brings us directly onto the next step. FOCUS. Once you have decided what it is that you want, you need to focus and pay attention to it. It’s a concept based on common sense – if you pay attention and focus on a particular activity, then it will progress. On the other hand, if you neglect it, it will regress. Think of it as a plant. In order for a plant to flourish, you need to cultivate and tend to it. Otherwise, it will simply wither and die. This is a ‘tried and done’ practice that many of us know to be true. Just think of that subject or university paper that you slacked off in. What happened? Chances are, you didn’t do very well. Well, what about that one wherein you worked, focused and studied really hard for? What happened? You (most likely) did much better, if not very well.

Focusing on what you desire may not be enough. Sometimes, you also need to pay attention to who you spend time with. Are your friends people who act as an encouragement to you? Or are they people who pull you down? Are they people who have similar desires? Or are they people who push you to do the exact opposite? Who do you associate with? I’m not telling you to ignore and leave your old friends behind. All I’m saying is that it would be to your benefit if there were some positive influences in your life…Influences who will encourage you to advance to another level. Choosing who you associate with is a large part of self-cultivation.

Hence, how and where we move in life is largely dependent on the choices we make and the actions we take. Choose what you want. Work hard and focus on it. Then you’ll get what you want. Remember: we seal our fate by the choices we make.

L I F E ' S A B I T C H ?

BY: GILAINNE SYTINGCO

Life's a bitch, isn't it? A few years ago, our eyes were glued to the news as we watched footage of the World Trade Centre crashing down. Although horrified, we couldn't turn away. Threats of terrorism terrified us - to the point where a lot of us didn't want to travel. Bush's war on terrorism followed, as well as news of terrorists kidnapping foreign workers in Iraq. The beheadings of these workers became the 'talk of the town'.

2004 was a bad year for me. It was a year that begun and ended with a series of unfortunate events - car accidents, health problems, near-death experiences. So, when I went on a holiday overseas, I pretty much expected it to flow smoothly, with no worries or tragedies. Well, as they say, it's free to dream. As soon as we got to the Philippines, news of a devastating typhoon that traumatised the Quezon and Aurora provinces hit us; followed by the death, wake and funeral of popular actor and ex-Presidential candidate Fernando Poe Jr. During the Christmas season, we were struck by the Kristina Casimira ("KC") de Venecia tragedy. The sixteen-year-old was trapped inside her home when their Christmas lights caught fire. Thinking that she was out, KC's family and household staff rushed out of the house. It wasn't until she called her sister and screamed for help did they realised that she was still inside. But alas, it was too late. The firemen could not break through the iron grills and bullet-proof windows of her home and she perished. She was found dead four hours later, her body partially burned, lying face down in the bathtub of her brother's bathroom and wrapped in a wet blanket. Authorities say that she died slowly, from suffocation.

But perhaps the most hellish event of the year was the Indian Ocean tsunami that hit Indonesia, Thailand, Bangladesh, India, Sri Lanka, the Maldives, Malaysia, Myanmar, Seychelles and Africa (Kenya and Somalia). As of 6:46PM EST (2346 GMT) on January 19, 2005, CNN news reports estimate the total death toll at 212,000. Many speculate that this number will increase, based on the World Health Organization's fear of (a possible) plague due to water contamination caused by a large number of corpses unproperly handled. This global catastrophe was brought a little bit closer to home because of the death of nineteen-year-old Sharleen Tan, who made the headlines as the first Filipino victim who perished in Phuket. The de Venecia and Tan tragedies affected me more than the others because I have friends who knew either KC or Sharleen, or who was barkada (inner circle of friends/close group of friends) with them.

As if the events of the past few years and months haven't been enough already, Exit Mundi advocates state that more is yet to come. They prophecize that certain parts of the world will have to deal with a MEGATSUNAMI of "biblical proportions" and state that "The world is going to end. You don't even have to be a religious fundamentalist to see that's true". The Exit Mundi collect doomsday scenarios like how other people collect rare coins, stickers, bookmarks and figurines.

If Exit Mundi advocates are to be taken seriously, and the world really is going to end, have you ever thought about whether you are ready to die? Whether you'd go to heaven or hell? Whether you've lived your life to the max? The existence of heaven, hell, the after-life or reincarnation is largely a spiritual question. The religion you belong to will determine which one you believe in. However, no matter which one you think really exists, each 'destination' for the dead has certain criteria you must fulfill - whether it's being a good person or believing in a certain entity. I'm not going to be discussing these...You could probably write a thesis on this topic alone. Regardless of that, the real questions here are - have you fulfilled those criterias? Do you know where you're going to go? Are you ready?

The term "Live life to the max" has become a cliche over the years. But what does it really mean? Oftern we see this term as a slogan accompanying advertisements of people jumping off airplanes or bungee jumping with a can of softdrink in their hand. Is that what it really means? Probably not. Another way of saying "Live life to the max" is "Live life to the fullest". I've been taught that a "full live" is a life lived helping other people. Think Mother Teresa if you want. We see people who require our help all the time - from a friend who needs someone to listen, to a beggar on the street, to a child who has been orphaned due to tragic events. If we can touch the life of just one of these people - millions of whom exist all over the world - wouldn't that make such a big difference?

But helping others is just half of the story. Why not look towards yourself too? Are you one of those people who spend each day mucking around, doing nothing? I've been in that same situation myself, and let me tell you - you feel so empty at the end of the day. It's the same if you have no goals or dreams. You feel drained and aimless everyday - you're going nowhere and you don't know what you're doing. It's a horrible feeling! Personally, if I knew that I was about to die, I'd rather have a sense of fulfillment. A feeling of contentment, satisfaction and purpose within myself. A feeling that I've done some things, at least.

Life's a bitch, huh? We see and hear terrifying and horrifying things all the time. Apocalyptic prophecies aside, we don't know exactly when we're going to die and how. It could be fifty years from now, a month from now, tomorrow, tonight or even within the next ten minutes. Who knows? If I were you, I'd start getting prepared. You may not be around for much longer.

THE CATCH OF THE DAY
By: Gilainne Sytingco


It is often said that no matter how much in love two people are, in the end, it all comes down to suitability.

Often, when we are in search for a boyfriend, girlfriend, life-partner or our so-called 'soul mate', we are initially driven by physical attraction. Then, we move on to a more insightful look at their character. We evaluate whether there is a common interest in the things that we enjoy, our values, our beliefs, our backgrounds, culture, and perhaps even our religion. Hence, in our search for the ideal - the 'perfect' partner and companion - we have something like a profiling system, where we attempt to assess if we do indeed have our 'Catch of the Day' (a.k.a. Mr or Ms Right).

But is there really such a person? There are approximately six billion people in this world - how do you expect to find your Mr or Miss Right? It would take you a whole lifetime to do so!

All the articles that I have read about love or relationships seem to have one thing in common - they all dictate what relationships should be like. Sure, generally speaking, we all need things like trust, faithfulness and honesty. However, everyone is different. Different people have different needs from a relationship. Adam may need a mental connection and a constant show of appreciation. Eve may need physical intimacy and affection. Not all people like apples, and not all like bananas.

So what am I saying here? I guess a simple way of putting it is that: (I believe) there is no such thing as a Mr or Miss Right out there. The essence of suitability lies in the ability to discover your partner's in's and out's, his/her deepest traits and knowing what exactly it is that makes him/her tick. What is he/she like under stress or pressure? How does he/she react to disappointments, frustrations or failures? What about all the good times? That's only the first half. The next bit is adapting yourself to meet your partner's needs.

Think about the perfect piece of clothing. One that fits you perfectly. Obviously to achieve this effect, one needs to have had all their measurements taken, and have that piece of clothing tailored especially for them. Suitability is something like this - tailoring to meet your partner. Afterall, a relationship is a two-way exchange: 'it takes two to Tango'.

There is a saying that two people brought together by love may eventually drift apart and separate due to knowing each other too well. The little things you find annoying at the beginning of a relationship may eventually grow into bigger things if not 'sorted out'. Those little habits may eventually lead to the ultimate dislike of the person you once loved so much. "All you need is love" may be a catchy phrase, but is that what you would say when faced with a multitude of frustrating little habits, or even bigger issues (such as broken promises and a bunch of lies)? In working towards suitability, perhaps these are also some of the knicks that need to be worked out.

Eternal love cannot be forever without a stable foundation. Perhaps suitability will contribute to such a base, leading to less problems, a long-lasting relationship, more of faith, hope and, of course, the greatest of them all - LOVE.

TALKING THE TALK?

By: Gilainne Sytingco


Have you ever met someone who seemed so nice, but who influenced others in a bad way? Have you ever trusted some salesperson who came knocking on your door, selling a product which seemed to be 'too good to be true'? Have you ever been deceived by demonstration which promised some guarantee? Have you ever listened to a person testifying about their religion, but afterwards witness how they live a wicked life?

In life, it is sure that we will meet a lot of different kinds of people. Some of these people may appear to be good, but are in fact 'bad'. Some of these people may seem to be bad, yet are actually good. People are just not what they seem. I guess this is why we are always told not to judge a book by its cover.

Personally, I have heard about and seen a lot of people who are not what they seem. You can find these people everywhere: from stories told by your elders and/or friends, people in your community, schools, churches and even people who come knocking on your door. One of the most common examples are people who attempt to push or force people into a particular religion...Whether it be Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, or any of the other religions in this world. However, if you look at the lives of these people, can you see their preachings reflected in it? Sometimes the answer to this question will be NO. Why is that? Because maybe these people are just in a religion, but do not have a relationship with their God or Gods. They may just say spiritual sounding-words and give people the impression that they are 'Holy'...But in reality, that is really not the case.

A recent and on-going example would be Catholic priests who have been convicted for molesting young boys. This act is considered a sin by the Bible, and we can be sure that the Priests have preached against it...But that did not stop them from committing those acts. We can see that not all church-going people or people who discuss their religious beliefs, for example, are Christians. Not all people who pray to Kuan Yin or Buddha are Buddhists.

The world is all about appearances and masks. But is it possible to 'protect' ourselves from being 'fooled'? Maybe. The Bible, in Matthew 7:15 talks about false prophets who "come disguised as harmless sheep, but are really wolves that will tear you apart". We can generalise this verse and make it applicable to our everday lives by thinking of 'false prophets' as people who are not what they seem. Matthew 7:16-20 states that we can tell that a person is not what they seem by their actions. For example, we can tell if someone is just 'talking the talk' by seeing what they do and how they walk their life.

What else can we do? Perhaps we can all take a step towards making the world a better place by not just saying what is right, but also by doing what is right. Maybe, by doing this, we can bring back some virtue and honour to our community.

TRES MARIAS
BY: GILAINNE SYTINGCO

I once read an anonymous poem describing mothers. If my memory serves me right, this is how the poem goes:

Mother
The Spirit of home is Mother.
The charm of her love is there.
One knows the joy of her presence
And her ever tender care.
Friendships will sometimes vary,
The old are changed for the new.
But always the same dear Mother
Will gladden a lifetime through!

All mothers are different. They have varying styles in bringing up their children, different teachings and diverse ways of dealing with issues. Despite this, the poem above has captured the very essence of a mother – as the spirit of the home. Someone who will always be there for us, someone who will take care of us, and someone who will love us always. The poem made me think of three women who have had a significant effect in my life…three women who I know very well, love and admire.

The first of these three women was widowed at twenty-five. By this time, she already had four children and was pregnant with the fifth. Without a husband, life became very difficult for her. She did not have the support of her family because she had fought to marry a man that they did not approve of. Having no formal education and being illiterate meant that she had to work hard (doing odd jobs) to earn a living so that she could raise and educate her children…often commencing at dawn and finishing late at night. Living this way gave her a strong and confident character. This woman is my father’s mother.

The second of these women was and still is a submissive and supportive wife. Although she had a good education and prospects for a successful career, she chose instead to become a ‘domestic goddess’…Staying at home to take care of her husband, in-laws and children. She was behind her husband’s every step, thereby fulfilling the saying “Behind every man’s success is a woman”, for her support made him flourish. Being such a good wife earned her praise from all their relatives and friends. Her initial sacrifice became worthwhile when her children developed into successful individuals whose achievements have benefited the community in which they live. This woman is my mother’s mother.

The last of these women reflects the modern woman. She is both a housewife and a career woman. She runs the house and works at the same time. She helps and supports her husband. Despite doing so many things, her family is still her first priority – often going back home between appointments to cook or prepare something for her family. Although she seems hard on her children, her constant nagging and sermons have taught them many lessons in life. She looks after the mental, physical and spiritual well being of each member of her family. This woman is my mother.

While having many differences in lifestyle, temperaments, personalities and ways of being a mother, these women have all strived hard to do the best for their family. Their teachings have inspired their children, and their lives have touched their family.

What is your mother like? How does she care for you? In what way has she affected your life? Maybe this Mother’s Day we should all take the time to thank our mothers and show them how much we care.

THE ANATOMY OF THE MALE AND FEMALE MIND

Like...love...lust...infatuation...desire. What is it that attracts the human mind and form to members of the opposite (or same) sex? What do men like about women and vice versa? I recently took a survey from the age groups of sixteen years old to thirty years old. As always, the topic of men and women drew a lot of interest and a lot of comments. Below are the things that I learned from the two different sexes and the way they think about each other.


What MOST men want

Most men are more physical than women. The first thing that they look at before they want to get to know a woman is that woman's looks. Most men admit the fact that they are attracted to the physical appearance of a woman before diving deeper and finding out what she is like as a person. Looks can be from things like confidence, the way a woman carries herself (poise) and on to more specific things like a woman's eyes, lips, smile, body, arms, legs...and titties. Yup, titties too! As much as females would like to think otherwise, a woman's chest is one of the many physical things that will quickly catch the eyes of men. In fact, it may well be the first thing that grabs their attention.

Most men love women who are nice and sweet. This is something that I would like to call the "Pussy Effect". A woman who is oh-so-feminine and seems to need a man's help is the type of female that most men want to love. They are attracted to this 'helplessness' because it boosts their ego and it makes them look more 'macho' and manly (as has been admitted by several men). In a relationship, most men want a woman who is neither boring, nor a slut. They expect to be with someone who is loyal, supportive, respects, cares about and understands them. However, in conjunction with this, most men also want the freedom and space to be able to do the things they enjoy. Most men view women as their companions in walking in life.

Most men hate it when a woman overacts. They dislike women comparing their weight and looks against other females. Women's sudden changes of moods and feelings aggravates them. Although they love the seemingly helpless nature of women, most men commented that they hate cry-babies. A bitch is also a big no-no for them.

Most men have admitted to feeling threatened if a woman is more intelligent, capable and successful than they are. But if they are too helpless and too dependent on the man, then he claims that she cannot hold her own ground, cannot hold a deep and intellectual conversation, is no challenge, is not independent enough, does not give him enough space and is a very dull person.

The way of thinking of most men is very different from most women. A lot of men think that although they are now in a new relationship, there is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with an ex-girlfriend/wife (or a few exes, for that matter). Most men look at this situation as just friendship. For them, it is simply two different sexes getting together, having fun and developing and maintaining their relationship as friends...to put it in simpler terms, it is simply 'hanging out' with another friend. However, most men are threatened when their current girlfriend/wife does the same thing. Another interesting tidbit is that for most men, when they think of someone in a more-than-friends way, it is not cheating...that is, as long as they do not act upon their thoughts.


What MOST women want

Most women look at a man's personality and character before deciding on whether to get into a relationship with them. Most women admire intelligent men. Most women prefer a man that they can look up to, but at the same time, won't look down on them. Good looks are a great bonus, but are not essential. They love men who are funny and have a good sense of humour. One of the biggest turn-offs for most women is when a man is rude and uncouth. An uncivilised Neanderthal will scare most women away!

In a relationship, most women want a caring man and someone who knows how to truly take care of them. They want committed men who have EYES FOR THEM ONLY. Most women feel that dishonesty and unfaithfulness kills a relationship. They want to feel secure in all ways. Although most women feel that hugs, kisses and other romantic gestures are important, they believe that communication is the most important aspect of a relationship. Most women need someone to talk to and to listen to them...After all, it is a widely known fact that on average a woman will speak 24,000 to 26,000 words daily...twice as much as men.

Most women love a hint of jealousy from men. However, they do not appreciate it when men become over-possessive and attempt to dictate their lives. Neither do they like it when their current boyfriend/husband is in regular contact with their ex-girlfriend/wife. The reason for this is that most women are worried that there is still some chemistry going on between the two exes. This chemistry might lead to something physical, thus resulting in the other party getting hurt. For most women, commitment only comes when you are both mentally and physically set on your partner. So sure, they (the exes) can remain friends, but the current partner should know the whens, wheres and whats of the two exes' activites. Most women believe that it is necessary for the exes to draw a line on spending too much time together. Undoubtedly, a very close relationship between the exes will create a lot of tension in the current relationship. When a man spends too much time with his ex, most women perceive this as a sign of rejection.

Both men and women desire to be with someone who shares their interests and values, mainly because this enables the two people in the relationship to avoid minor conflicts (hence making the relationship 'easier' and more enjoyable). Both sexes also agree on the definition of cheating. Most defined it as when two people who have feelings for each other meet without their partners' knowledge and especially when the meeting leads to something physical. Cheating is when a person's heart is set on someone other than their current partner.

Since men and women cannot seem to think the same and be alike about everything, why are men and women still attracted to each other? .....Maybe the saying that opposites attract is true. Because there sure doesn't seem to be complete compatibility between the male and female species.

NOTE: This article summarises the answers of the people who did the survey I sent out. I am not saying that ALL males and females think and act this way. I am just saying that generally speaking, based on the survey answers, this is the information I have received.

A CLOSER LOOK AT FRIENDS

Friends are supporters, people that you like, and more often than not they are people that you know well. Despite this common definition, most of us have struggled to keep some of our friendships and have had problems with our friends.

What do you think is the best way to win and keep your friends and friendships? I think that the three most important ingredients in the recipie of friendship are (1) knowing when to speak the truth and when to listen, (2) watching out for what you say and refusing to gossip and slander, and (3) keeping promises. Most of us don't realise it, but our mouths can be the strongest and most hurtful of weapons. Things that come out of our mouths can either build relationships or destroy them. Of course, in this modern day and age this also applies to what we say when we are online and what we write (for example, in our websites, blogs, etc). I think that one of the most important lessons that we have to learn is to think before we speak. A lot of people do not care about the effects of their words. It is important to have something to say, but it is more important to weigh it up first. We should never make destructive comments about people.

A lot of us have been brought up in very different cultures, backgrounds and environments. Hence, it is not surprising that we have different principles, values, moralities and opinions about different issues. When we have differences about certain issues, I believe that being gracious and tactful is better than making 'ugly' comments. We should be courteous and respectful of one another. However, one thing that I do believe in is the saying "Do unto others what you want others to do unto you".

During arguments or disagreements, it is often the people who are closest to you (such as your friends) that you hurt the most...whether it is by things that you do or say. Hence, if you consider someone as your friend and have issues with them, it is better to approach that person and talk about it. Some people intentionally put things on their public diaries about what they don't like about their friends so that other people can read it. For me, this is an instance of talking about people behind their back, gossiping about people and backstabbing. This, of course, is not very nice and can also ruin someone's reputation. Do you think that real friends would do this? Wouldn't it be much better for the persons who have issues or concerns about each other to privately talk about and settle their issues? As a footnote, this does not relate to anything about anyone I know. It is just a general comment.

I believe that friends can disagree without hurting each other. The question is, how do we do that? I guess the key to this is to keep the other person's self esteem and feelings in mind. It is impossible for a selfish, self-centred person to realise the values and importance of their friends.

Some friends are very possessive. They just want their friends to hang around them. We should allow our friends space and room to grow. No one has the right to restrict someone else's freedom. This is because friends are not possessions that are to be owned and controlled. They should be cherished and appreciated.

Friendship is a fine art...All we need to do is to learn how to make it a masterpiece.

GET OVER IT

Sometimes certain things happen - things that are not true, things that are unfair, things that cause us to be angry or things that result in someone getting hurt. These things are uncontrollable. Why? Because the world we live in is not perfect. So naturally, things won't always go smoothly for everyone all the time. However, rough patches also come with some good. For example, if you have lost a job opportunity, then you would learn from the mistakes you've made and improve the next time around. Same thing if you have failed an exam or if you've had a disagreement with someone (like family or friends). Unpleasant situations, injustices and bad things happen in everyone's life, but what we must remember is that behind each unfortunate event is a lesson of some sort.

The most important thing to take from bad things that happen is to learn to GET OVER IT. Always looking towards the past will prohibit you from improving and going forward. It will simply make you negative, and these negative emotions will someday destroy you. What we must do is take from these events the lessons and apply them to our lives. Learn from them so that you can improve...So that next time you do not make the same mistake again. I know from experience that this is easy to say...but hard to do.

For me, getting over it is not something that happens automatically. It does not happen overnight. Rather, it is something that takes time. Of course, some people might argue that they get over things very easily, almost immediately infact. Well, what may be the case for some people may not neccessarily be true for someone else. After all, the world is not just composed of universal truths. There are many truths, all of which are different for everyone.

So when certain things happen, take time out and learn to get over it. Remember - no matter how hard you try, you may never be able to right all the wrongs in this world! Life is (at times) not fair...We just have to learn how to deal with it. Tomorrow will never be beautiful if you keep thinking about yesterday all the time.

UNTITLED

It has been about a week now that I have been reading about the whole 'what people put in their blogs' issue, and it has been...very disappointing. I have so much things to say about this issue and the past issue...but I have been keeping quiet about it, not because I have nothing to say, but because I honestly learned that in a world of slander the best thing to do is to keep silent, and that there is no point of defending yourself against people who refuse to listen and people who will twist your words around to suit their own purposes or make a mockery of you and your words. But since a lot of the people involved in the issues are Christians, I guess I will just use this time to remind you all and myself of the word of God.

When I said that people have to be accountable for their actions and words, I meant that they should not only be accountable to people. They are accountable to God too (most especially!!!). Romans 14:10-12 says "You, then why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgement seat. It is written "As surely as I live, says the Lord, every knee will bow before me, every tongue will confess to God." So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God."

For people have been wrongly or unjustly accused, Psalms 35:21-23 says "They gape at me and say "Aha! Aha!" With our own eyes we have seen it. Lord, you have seen this. Be not silent, do not be far from me, O Lord awake and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord." (Explanation: 'This was when David cried out to God to defend him when people wrongly accused him. If you are unjustly accused, your natural reaction may be to lash out in revenge or to give a detailed defense of every move. Instead ask God to fight the battle for you. He will clear your name in the eyes of those who really matter.') And this is what I meant when I said "Although God seems to be 'hidden' at times, we can be assured that he is aware of every injustice. Everyone should be accountable for his/her actions or words. Remember...there is someone 'up there' watching."

For those people who don't think before they act and say something, claiming their rights in doing so because of Freedom of Speech and that they have to right to say anything they want because it's theirs: Exodus 21:1 says "These are the laws you are to set before them." (Explanation: 'These laws were given because everything we do has consequences. It is vital to think before acting, to consider the effects of our choices. Think of your plans for today and consider what their long range results will be. As we deal with others, we shall keep the principles of these laws in mind. We should act responsibly and justly with all people.')

For those people who call themselves Christians but are not consistent with their attitudes, Matthew 15:8-9 says "These people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain, their teachings are but rules taught by men." (Explanation: 'When we claim to honour God while our hearts are far from him, it is not enough to act religious. Our actions and our attitudes must be sincere. The Pharisees knew a lot about God but they didn't know God. It is not enough to study about religion or even to study the Bible. We must respond to God himself.')

For those people who never admit that it's their mistake and shift the blame to other people, 'It is often easier to strike out in frustration and accuse someone else than to admit an error and ask forgiveness. See what Adam and Eve have done.'

For people who get angry when confronted, Galatians 4:16 says "Have I now become your enemy by telling the truth?" (Explanation: 'Paul did not gain great popularity when he rebuked the Galatians for turning away from their first faith in Christ. Human nature hasn't changed much. We still get angry when we're scolded. But don't write off someone who challenges you. There may be truth in what he or she says. Receive his or her words with humility. Carefully think them over. If you discover that you need to change an attitude or action, take steps to do it.')

For those who just say things as they please, claiming that they can say whatever they want, and for those who twist what other people say to mock them or suit their (the mocker's) purposes, James 3:6 says "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." (Explanation: James compares the damage the tongue can do to a raging fire. The tongue's wickedness has it's source in hell itself. The uncontrolled tongue can do terrible damage. Satan uses the tongue to divide people and pit them against one another. Idle and hateful words are damaging because they spread destruction quickly and no one can stop the results once they are spoken. We dare not be careless with what we say, thinking we can apologise later, because even if we do, the scars remain. A few words spoken in anger can destroy a relationship that took years to build. Before you speak, remember that words are like fire...You can neither control nor reverse the damage they can do.')

For those people who like to let others dictate you 'Please be reminded that when you have an important decision to make, weigh the positives and the negatives carefully, considering everyone who might be affected by your choice. When you want something badly enough, it is difficult to see the potential problems, but don't discount the negatives unless you have an plan to handle each one, they will cause you great difficulty later.'

The way to a good reputation: 'Your reputation is formed by the people who watch you at work, at home, in school, in church. A good reputation comes by consistently living out the qualities you believe in - no matter what group of people or surrounding you are in.' So I guess what someone said 'Your reputation is only lost if you do something stupid~. And people find out about it. It's not that hard a concept to grasp: "What Momma don't know can't hurt her".' is right because when Momma finds out, she will see how stupid you are, and then your reputation is lost! =P

For those who like to say destructive rumours, Exodus 23:1 says "Do not speak false reports. Do not help a wicked man by being a malicious witness." (Explanation: 'Making up or spreading false reports was strictly forbidden by God. Gossip, slander and false witnessing undermined families, strained neighbourhood cooperation and made chaos of the justice system. Destructive gossip still causes problems, even if you do not initiate a lie, you become responsible if you pass it along. Don't circulate rumours, squelch them.')

For people who makes wrongs right, Exodus 22:3 explains to us that 'If you have done something wrong perhaps you should go beyond what is expected to make things right. This will help ease any pain you've caused, help the other person be more forgiving, and make you more likely to think before you do it again.'

All of the above are GENERAL COMMENTS and MY PERSONAL OPINIONS...and everything with " " and ' ' have been quoted from the Bible, except for the quote about Momma and the next quote. These things might again be "irritating, infuriating, irrelevant and patronising" (quote from the anonymous in Paul's Blog) for some people, and may further annoy the anonymous person who thinks that I want to defend my pride so I keep talking, and that I "want to come across as morally superior" so I "perch lofty on her (my) high horse". My friend(s), not at all, not at all. With the arguments that people have put in their blogs, of course the word of God is irritating, infuriating, patronising and irrelevant! To my Christian brothers and sisters in Christ: Let not the things that you say or write be a "stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way." ~Romans 14:13. Now, if any of you want to twist everything I have said and mock me or what I wrote, then you are welcome to do so...But please bear in mind that you are accountable to God. =D

THE ESSENCE OF US

Ever noticed how sometimes our lives seem to be so much like a television drama? Everything seems to be happening to us, everything good and everything bad. Little things turn into big issues, and there are conflicts between friends and family members. Such is the life of just about every teenager that sometimes I can’t help but think that producers have based all the drama we see on television on us, our lives and the things that we go through. Either that or we very closely follow the scripts writers have written for the many series we watch on the box.

Upon reflecting on life, I just realized something. We, teenagers are generally extremely confused people. Whether we want to admit it or not, we don’t really know what we’re doing and what we really want. Sure we make decisions about the clothes we want to wear and the food we want to eat (although some people have problems with making decisions about that), but what about other things? Major life changing decisions…things that could really affect us? Well the fact is, we generally don’t make those kinds of decisions. The biggest thing most of us will probably be deciding at the moment is which course to take and which university to go to. We don’t need to make decisions that adults have to make – things like financial decisions, family decisions, career decisions…things that are going to affect a lot of people, and decisions where they have to consider their family and lifestyle.

We always think that we are going through so much, to the point where we feel that the whole world should and does revolve around us, that we don’t take the time to consider others’ situations and emotions. This sort of self-centredness is something everyone is guilty of. Even the most caring person in the world has on at least one occasion been self-absorbed. In my opinion, it is this type of attitude that leads us to have the ‘problems’ we presently have. This narcissistic attitude leads us to have disagreements and disputes over the smallest things with our family and friends…even though we could simply just let those things go. There are some people so egotistical in fact, that they go around blaming everyone for everything that happens to them when they can’t deal with it themselves. They find a scapegoat for all their problems and somehow hope that others will pity and sympathise with them…and from this attention-seeking draw some sort of self-gratification. People go around saying bad things about their friends, their family members, their teachers and whoever else they can find in the hopes of finding a way to get attention and some minor form of ‘instant happiness’. I may be speaking bluntly, but it’s the truth.

I’m not here to tell you what to do, because I certainly don’t know what to do myself. All I know is that I have been seeing a lot of this in some form from myself and everyone. But I do know one thing…and it is that we have to take a step back and really think about what we are doing. We need to reflect on our attitudes and find someway of improving ourselves so that we can mend broken relationships. We need to start thinking more carefully and listening more to the advice our elders give us. We need to stop thinking only of ourselves and start considering others’ situations and feelings. We need to establish and maintain good relationships with everyone we care about. Maybe in the case of a relationship, it’s not about who wins, or who is better, or who is right and who is wrong…but more like how you deal with the problem and how you sort it out. And finally, we need to start saying and doing things that only lift people up and not bring them down. We need to be responsible for what we do and say because somehow, our words and actions almost always end up hurting people. Remember that when you point your finger to others, one of your fingers is always going to be pointing back at you. People who use other people should be ashamed of themselves. In this world, whatever you do unto others will also be done to unto you. It's karma. No one is perfect…but maybe by growing to be less self-righteous, we can take a small step into becoming better people.

F A T E



What is FATE? The Collins English Mini Dictionary defines it as "(1) power supposed to predetermine events, (2) inevitable fortune that befalls a person or thing." When I asked a friend of mine what fate was, he replied - "God's plan." I guess I'm more inclined to agree with this definition more than anything else.

Fate, for me, is God's plan...But I believe that everyone's life is like a story with many paths. Most of you will remember reading those books where you make choices for the characters and you end up with lots of different plots as you make different choices. Well, that's what I believe life and fate to be like. God has mapped out your life for you, but he has mapped out many paths...and each choice you make has the ability to take you from one path to another. In this way, we have free will and can make our own choices, but we are also free to make mistakes. Another thing I believe about fate is that everything happens for a reason. I guess I believe that this is God's way of guiding us and teaching us lessons. If you make a mistake, there is a good reason for the consequence that follows, and so on. Sometimes, God will make things happen in your life to bring you back to Him, or to lead you somewhere or to something.

The next question about the role that fate plays in life is - can you change your fate? Some people believe that if you were born poor, then you'll always be poor; if you were born unlucky then you'll always be unlucky; if you were born stupid, then you'll always be stupid; and if you were born never to be rich, then you'll never be rich no matter how hard you work. Of course, I shouldn't criticise other people's beliefs, but if you look around you, you'll see that this is really not the case. Fate may play a part in life, but it does not govern your life. Fate is what you make it to be...Look at all the people who thought they were failures but became successes - people like Walt Disney, Charles Shultz, and Dave Pelzer just to name a few. If you believe that you can be what you want to be, strive hard to achieve that, and make the right choices, then your fate will be what you want it to be. I agree with what George Bernard Shaw said: "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

And finally, what about the role fate plays in relationships? Yes, fate has the ability to bring two people together...Why else would there be a saying "meant to be"? But, what if you're already in a relationship and you got to know someone else while you were in the relationship? Would you look at it as fate, another opportunity for you, take it to mean something and take an interest in them? Or would you look at is as just someone else who is just passing by in your life and just another someone who you have simply brushed shoulders with? I guess my belief here is that commitment takes precedence over what you might think is fate. Fate brought you and the person you are committed to together...But it is up to you to make it work and make it last. Think about how many lives, relationships and families have been destroyed because of people's misconceptions of where fate is leading them, especially when it comes to relationships.

So what really is FATE? Destiny? Yes. A written plan for you? Yes. But it is a written plan with different roads. Is fate something that governs you, your life and your relationships? No. Fate is controlled by you, and the choices you make. As Jack Welch once said: "Control your destiny...Or someone else will."

Cultural Relativism: Are moral claims true of false absolutely, or only relatively to their cultural context?

No one can deny the fact that we live in a multicultural society and that there is a need to understand and tolerate some of the beliefs and practices of other cultures in order to make our world function peacefully. But this brings up one of the most controversial questions regarding ethics: are moral claims true or false absolutely or only relative to their cultural context?

The ethical standpoint that says that moral claims are true or false relatively to their cultural context is called meta-ethical cultural relativism. It is a theory where in all perspectives and moral claims are equally acceptable and are true or false based only on the convictions, ideology and principles of the culture where the moral claims have been made. Thus, according to cultural relativism, moral claims are true nor false depending only upon the cultural background and identity of the individual making the claims.

Although this theory sounds appealing and has drawn many people to it, I disagree with cultural relativism. To say that moral claims are neither true nor false absolutely and are only relative to their cultural context is wrong. In my opinion, morality is not based upon different cultures¡¦ opinions. There is always an absolute truth when dealing with moral claims.

Take for example the debate about the geography of the earth. Some cultures believed that the earth is flat, and some cultures believed that the earth is round. Cultural relativism says that there is no absolute truth in regard to this argument. However, upon thinking about it we realize that there is an absolute truth in the geography of earth. We have evidence that the earth is not flat, but is round. And hence we realize that the cultures which believed that the world was flat were wrong.

Cultural relativism dictates that in ethics, there is no absolute truth, or in other words ¡§there are no moral truths that hold for all peoples at all times.¡¨ (1) According to cultural relativism, this is because different cultures have different moral codes. But what if two people from different cultures disagree about a moral claim? Take for example the moral claim of whether or not genocide is right or wrong. Some cultures may think that it is right to murder people of a certain race, and some people will think that it is morally wrong. So, taken in accordance the theory of cultural relativism, does this mean that there is no objective truth? Does this mean that genocide is neither right nor wrong universally, but is right or wrong in relation only to the approval of the culture where it is done? Of course not. Genocide, the execution of a race of people is morally wrong universally, because like it is said in article two and article five of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights ¡§Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms¡Kwithout distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status. Furthermore, no distinction shall be made on the basis of the political, jurisdictional or international status of the country or territory to which a person belongs, whether it be independent, trust, non-self-governing or under any other limitation of sovereignty¡¨ (2) and ¡§No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.¡¨ (3)

The argument for meta-ethical cultural relativism is that ¡§we should adopt an attitude of tolerance towards the practices of other cultures¡¨ (4) because ¡§it is mere arrogance for us to try to judge the conduct of other peoples.¡¨ (5) Hence, we should judge other cultures¡¦ practices based not on our culture, but on what is considered appropriate in their society. So, although members of an uncivilised society are allowed to behave in one way, not everyone is allowed to behave in that way, and nor should we say if their practices are right or wrong ¡V we should just tolerate them. For example, Eskimos practice infanticide and consider it a correct practice because due to their harsh environment and their nomadic way of life, they are unable to care for a lot of children. However, people from our society who have never experienced such a harsh environment consider infanticide immoral. Cultural relativism says that we should not judge this practice. We should just tolerate the fact that Eskimos must (under some circumstances) kill their children without having given them a chance to live because ¡§each culture must be examined in terms of its own structures and values, instead of being rated by the standards of some other civilization exalted as absolute ¡V which in practice of course is always our own civilization¡¨ (6)

My reply to the argument for meta-ethical cultural relativism is that sometimes cultural relativism validates intolerance. Take for example the intolerance of Christianity in Nepal. It is not tolerated to such an extent that there are laws regarding Christianity, making the baptismal of a person, sharing your faith and preaching to others illegal. People who are caught taking part in these activities are persecuted and put in jail. Complying with the ideas of cultural relativism, it is perfectly correct for this culture to not tolerate Christianity and persecute Christians. Hence, meta-ethical cultural relativism allows and validates intolerance.

Now, consider the example I gave regarding genocide. Should we tolerate this practice because it was deemed correct in a society like Germany? Was it morally correct for Adolf Hitler to have murdered all those innocent Jews, Gypsies and Poles? Of course not! Not all cultural practices are correct. While some can be tolerated and respected (such as the practices which comply with the Universal Declaration of Human Rights), this does not mean that we must tolerate all the practices of different cultures. We cannot just stand back and tolerate the murder of innocent people; but this is exactly what cultural relativism is telling us we should do. We must recognize the fact that some cultural practices are simply better than others because if we do not, then we would tolerate and allow cultural practices which dehumanise other humans to continue. In fact, according to Henry Bagish, ¡§any belief or practice that enables human beings to predict and control events in their lives, with a higher degree of success than previous beliefs or practices did, can be said to ¡¥work better¡¦.¡¨ (7) Hence, we cannot tolerate and respect cultural practices which violate universal values and beliefs of what is right and wrong. We cannot tolerate the cultural practices of Germany in the time of Hitler which resulted in the genocide of six million Jews, or the apartheid cultural practice of white South Africans which denied Negros in their country basic human rights until just a few years ago. We have an obligation to oppose such cultural practices and to put a stop to them in this case; there is a moral right or wrong. And in this case, the moral standards by which we can judge what is right or wrong comes in the form of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Even though each individual culture has its own ethical system and moral codes of behaviour for the members of that culture, there is still an absolute universal truth. I agree with Vincent Ruggiero when he said ¡§if there is no observable control transcending all cultures, no eternal book of rules, then right and wrong are a matter of opinion and it doesn¡¦t matte what we do: anything goes!¡¨ (8) If all moral claims are relative to culture then there is no moral absolute with which we can judge right or wrong. So how could we object to a certain culture¡¦s practice of mutilating the genitals of young girls, or using children as the subjects to painful experiments which would eventually result in psychological disorders? How could we protest at one nation devastating another through the use of nuclear weapons? How could we say that murdering families because they have different religious and political beliefs, or annihilating another race because they look different is wrong? A cultural relativist would tolerate this and deny the fact that there is an absolute truth. But think about it. Do you think that way? I do not. We cannot tolerate moral claims and cultural practices which dehumanise other people and contravene universal values such as valuing life, and respecting the well-being and the dignity of people other than ourselves. Moral claims are not relative to culture ¡V there is always an absolute truth.

Feedback

entry 57
name: Mastervivi
message:
Hi~~ Len, just read your new article, and I totally agree that honesty and trust is two VERY important factor of love. But i also believe compromising is very important in all relationships. This is probabily I do not believe in soul mates. I think true love comes when two people accept each other's differences, and yet still cares, trusts each other. Two people like each other by lust, which if you put it in scientific view's it's just hermone of two people reacting. (yes i know how unromantic when you put it in the "scientific point of view". But what happens when all the lusts goes away? when suddenly you realize there are things about your bf/gf that aren't so perfect as you thought they were? when fone calls is not longer a suprise but a routine? When you noticed your bf/gf isn't crazy about you as before~ Will you still cares about your bf/gf the way you did? If you chooses yes~ the you have taken the first step of realizing what love truely is. Ever wondering why after people break-up, they hated the other half? in my opinion, for most cases it's because they finally see the true identity of their other half after the lusts have faded, and they simply could not accept whom they are, they could not bear the battle of acceptance. Finding true love between two people is a tough battle, but that's what makes love so beautiful~ so people, accept your bf/gf for whom they are, including your differences and things about them that you might not enjoy. Though I believe most of you are still experiencing the "lust" stage of your relationships. Lastly i would like to share a quote with you. " love is seeing each other's imperfections as perfection" oh~~ just a word on the "sex" issue~ this is a question for all the guys~ would you like your future wife better/worse because she is/isn't a virgin? Note: everything in this entry is MY OPINION~ feel free to argue/date against it ^___^ *mastervivi warming up for a good dabate*
date: 4:37 pm - Sunday,January 26, 2003

entry 58
name: Rams
message:
lol. hey ppls. interesting issue u have brought up here Gilainne, good work! lol. well let's see.... well i do have some things that i agree with and don't agree with. I'm sure anyone out there would agree that honesty, trust, and commitment are all very important factors to a lasting relationship. But I agree with Ronald also that sexuality should not purely be looked at as dirty and lustful. Lucy, it isn't purely hormones that set people to lust after each other... altho that can be also... and if it is so, that the couple are only interested in sex and nothing else, then i highly doubt they'd be interested in a lasting relationship anyway. There are people who just like to play around and learn things and just see what it's like... and u should respect people for their decisions to do so too, as it is their freedom of choice. As long as their partner is clear on their intentions, then no-one would get hurt. And Lucy, it doesn't always have to be "when all lusts goes away" that you "realize there are things about your bf/gf that aren't so perfect as you thought they were"... that's a natural thing to discover when you get to know ur partner better... and it's a good thing, because if u overcome such things, then the relationship would be better. "when fone calls is not longer a suprise but a routine?" Well, i don't c anything wrong with fone calls becoming a routine... it's a natural human behaviour when one gets bored of routines. It's up to the couple to make it work again. when phone calls are getting too boring, then obviously it is up to the two to discover what each other likes best and to spice up the relationship again. A relationship is never a perfect fairytale... it takes effort to make it happen. and it can't happen with just one person. both the people must be involved together whole-heartedly. "When you noticed your bf/gf isn't crazy about you as before~ Will you still cares about your bf/gf the way you did?" well obviously, communication is important. If something has happened, the couple should always be able to talk abt it openly. if they aren't so crazy abt u as before... well, ask them y~ if they refuse to tell u, then obviously it's not a very healthy relationship. When someone breaks up, it's not necessarily "after the lusts have faded", no. sometimes u may just realise that the person u are with is no longer the right person for u... and no matter how much u want it, u'd just have to let it go. personalities can clash and cause terrible outcomes, and it's not always just because "they simply could not accept whom they are". If you are to truly accept ur partner for who they are, then u should accept everything abt them... and that includes accepting them physically. Sex is not necessarily a bad thing. I'm not saying to go out there and sleep with as many people as you please... no it's something that needs to be treated with respect. And it is respectable if the person saves themselves for their husband/wife. oh and Lucy, u forgot a question for all the gals: "Would u like you husband better if he was a virgin?". Virginity is a sacred thing, and should not be given away freely, i agree with Gilainne there... (just on a random not tho, wouldn't it be odd if two virgins got married, and then didn't know what to do? =P) And just back to the thing abt liking ur husband/wife more if they were virgin... well if the person loved their partner enough, and accepted them for everything... does that not include accepting them even if they weren't a virgin, and still love them just as much?
date: 9:48 pm - Sunday,January 26, 2003

entry 59
name: may
message:
very nice and well said might i add. i got this from somewhere and i reckon that its very true. When u decide to spend the rest of ur life with that 'someone', thats the person that without the passion or sex (commonly use) u still care for that someone. I think if relationships are based without passion it could last no matter what the out come because you would still care for that person. Where as passion, it might start sth exciting but it wouldn't last.
date: 0:20 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 60
name: Jacky
message:
love is love...in this world...not everything has absolute opposites...something is absolute...love and not love is the extreme absolutes...can be compare...but is not love already...
date: 0:32 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 61
name: xuan
message:
hey gilainne! =) cool site! umm... but if u dont mind me asking, what's the deal with all the love stuff? as long as u have ur friends n family with u, i dont see why someone cant be happy. Just my random comment guys, hope u dont mind =P anyway, did i say this is a cool site?
date: 0:42 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 62
name: taro bro
message:
good article about love but in some ways i guess all the talk is rather idealistic! Haha, didn' meant for that to come across as mean but I believe that under the influence of our emotions, these philosophies can get side tracked very easily and I believe that's one of the main reason we see so many break ups. I believe one thing that is important that u overlooked is the idea of compaionship... the experts say that "passion" love can only last about 10 years on an average, so in a marraige/love i believe that being able to respect and help each other out is rather important. I believe people need to learn to grow together in order to learn to love one another. Well, some of u might not agree with this but this is what i believe at the moment. As with the question whether a girl should lose her virginity to her husband or to her love... I believe that is a matter of personal choice. i believe that giving away ur virgiinity is something sacred and should be given to ur love and if it turns out to be ur husband and that's great. However, i don't see anything wrong with ppl having sex prior to marriage as they will experience "the pleasure" and find out what they like. I believe finding out what exactly u look for in a person is very important before making a commitment and i guess sex is part of it. But if u ask me if i will lose my virginity for the sake of the experience, I will have to tell you i don't know as I will see how the situation goes... And to the question from mastervivi... i would reply it doesn't matter to me coz it's her choice ... she might've come across someone special be4 me and lost her virginity there... i mean if something is going to happen between me and a gal, i only care for what happens when we r together and not her past but of course if she has done something sineful then i will need to take the history into consideration That's all from me for now ~ hope that is enough for our host Gilainne =P
date: 1:11 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 64
name: David L.
message:
OK, here's the my opinion: *relationship is necessary as life bring along. Having ppl to sharing ideas will explore the more than solo(as the word "efficient") *since everyone's unique and individual charater and we do have limit 'time' & 'energy' (in standard term), it's hard to manage good relationship with all the people those been contacted. So choose whom to build the relationship carefully (parents and some isn't optional, blame fate if those who believe it) and be nice to others (being nice to others highly indicate they'll be nice to you , exceptions excluded) * Sex is physcial, would gain pleasure while triggering the actions. It's part of physical life of those who MARRIED. To those who's not married, it's mostly just an exercise that will easily lead to the word "icky" (image having same sweets again and again). Feel like having a change by dump her/him? Find someone new to upgrade now? (Sorry, human isn't item as standard law) That's why marriage introduced to society to secure those people (mostly women). Sorry girls, you're the victims... * Method to maintain/gain a good relationship is numerous. Stop being odd is best idea, always upgrade ownself, by learning something new, having new ideas, gain more physcial appearance... and majorly, be honest and faithful (definition varies as individual) are the key factors.. OK, i'm done, thx to 'inform' me to post this, dinner time..
date: 2:26 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 65
name: Marcy
message:
hey gilainne!! awesome website... luv ur article abt luv, it's so true, i agree with your view, & the bit abt intimacy/sex is so true. i believe that they arent the same, u can be intimate wifout sex, hv any of u seen the new othello movie? (those of u in my eng class [6E Rm]last year will have), O and Desi were in bed naked, but they weren't doing anything, they just enjoy being close to each other. so there, intimacy can exist wifout sex! keep posting, i luv ur articles :)
date: 3:27 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 66
name: TiNa
message:
Hola Len, interesting points you've made abt love and relationships, but I just want to add sth. People like or at least attempt to belive unconditional love, but bluntly as it may sound, it does not exist. Picture this, something major changed abt their significant partner to when they had first known, (maybe even the reason they fell for them), will they be able to accept that? Then what would be the attraction? (mentally or physically) And what is love without any kind of attraction?
date: 5:34 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 67
name: Mastervivi
message:
*nod* *agrees with rams that lust is not entirely hermone reactions* but you have to admit it plays a big part~ it's the difference between admiration and liking someone~ this is MY theory of a crush=admiration + hermone reaction. Also on the note of "when lust goes away, u realize there are things about your bf/gf that aren't so perfect as you thought they were" isn't always the case? ur significant other will always try to be perfect infront of you, that's how they attract you. But after time the acting fades, and then they return to their true form, no one is perfect~ so you WILL realize that they weren't as perfect as you thought they were. but i am not saying this is a bad thing~~ i was merely pointing out why compromising is so important in relationships. The "fone call" issure~~ not there's nothing wrong with that~ just that it used to be "oh~~ i am so happy that you called" and then it become a routine~ and if one day he/she doesn't call, wouldn't you feel sad/disappointed? in the middle of all these routines~ you are bound to feel sad or hurt. But if you and your partner work things out~ then your relationship is bound to last for longer~ and this could only work if two of you compromise~ ok ok~~ enough of my babble for today~ hehehe bye bye for NOW~ muwahahaha ^_______^
date: 5:47 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 69
name: Jay T
message:
Well, Virginity is not something we should all just throw away like that there is something special about it but some people value it less then others it is like food preference some like spicy some not some well, want to keep it some want to see what it is like to have it removed. Well, you know me, as well as most guys inc some ¡¨special ones¡¨ I betcha they would really want to know what sex is. sex is like if they hasn't had it yet, but they won't coz well honour issues (some guys still have gallantry in their blood) Some (but few).
date: 7:00 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 70
name: alicia
message:
yeah i agree with your ideas, especially the ones about virginity - being the greatest gift and opposites attracting. However I've heard other people talk about whether giving this "greatest gift" to your HUSBAND is really that important. Since divorce is so easy these days and so many couples are resorting to it even after being together for so many years, does this gift to your first husband count as the GREATEST gift even though later on you don't love him anymore? Does a signature on a piece of paper that "binds" two together (which can be easily broken by another agreement) really prove to you that your husband will be worthy? Or is this the same as giving it to the person you think deserves it... whether or not they're your husband? --- just some stuff i've heard.. thought i'd put it in here since it might be... relevant?
date: 7:42 am - Monday,January 27, 2003

entry 72
name: Jacques Lei
message:
I agree with all the stuff you talk but I am still too young to know what love is and how to appreciate it if I was to somehow stumble across it..LOL!!! I just hope that every one of us will someday experience it.. :) G'luck..
date: 4:14 am - Wednesday,January 29, 2003

entry 75
name: william
message:
Thats some really deep stuff in your articles, Gillaine. Although I agree that intimacy can exist without sex (admittedly drawing from personal experience), it seems that a lot of people here are drawing a taboo on sex. Intimacy can exist without sex, but it exists more with. great site btw, keep it up!
date: 5:11 am - Wednesday,January 29, 2003

entry 76
name: Robbie
message:
Regarding the relationship issue, I must say there is no point wondering or even talking about what a "perfect relationship?is like, because there is no such thing. Imperfection is what makes this world so interesting. We continuously strive out to make people and things better, however as you know some people and things cannot be changed. Since there is no "perfect human being?out there, this no doubt makes "perfect relationships?impossible. I mean I would love to have a wonderful and 100% relationship with a girl of my dreams, however, if that were to happen, life would become quite boring. In saying all that, the next comment shouldn't come as a huge surprise. I reckon a healthy relationship involves fights, arguments, jealously and lack of trust, together with all the other good facets. The only way to make each other fit perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle is to learn about each other's needs and wants, and how each person functions under particular situations. All the elements of a health relationship mentioned above will help. To hear a couple say they never argue, fight or have trust issues tells me they are the unhealthiest!As with sex, I have a slightly different view to what others have said, nevertheless I must say I had exact thoughts when I was younger. Now with a sore back and white hair covering my head (hehe jokes), my ideas regarding sex have changed dramatically. It is not a matter of whether the person you are going to do it with is your husband or wife, rather it has to do with whether you and your partner are ready and feel it¡¦s right. This implies having sex with your girl / boy friend is perfectly normal, so long as you two are committed in a long term healthy relationship. On the other hand to "waste your gift?is to have sex with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love him / her. Another way to "waste your gift?is by having sex with someone who you hardly know. So I think sex before marriage is fine so long as you and your partner love each other. Plus, I mean, for guys, holding off sex is virtually impossible these days with all the sexual connotations out there in the media. And thus would it be natural for guys to wait and wait and wait? No! Do what is natural, but in a healthy way. Additionally, sex shouldn't be seen as a bad thing! To learn about one's sexuality is extremely healthy - that is why we have sexual organs! Hehe. Finally, I will end my jibberish by saying this: true love is when you see the person and all you want to do is to be next to him / her, while sexual feelings are so distant that you don't even feel them. In a way this applies more to guys than girls. So girls, if guys feel "horny?for you early on, that means he isn't going to turn out to be a genuine lover. Ta ta everyone.
date: 5:40 am - Wednesday,January 29, 2003

entry 77
name: quasar
message:
there are many reasons as too why ppl wanna have a relationship with someone else...some might be bcoz of peer pressure, showing off to their mates they have wht it takes. Or some might truely be looking for someone they can relate to, feel connected feeling loved and be loved. Whatever the reasons its too hard to find the right/perfect one in just one go...unless ur very lucky and if u do congrats...but go out there and explore, if ur current special someone isn't right for u then dump him/her...well not as blunt as that but yea...but always be true. I believe a good and lasting relationship only develops over time like relationships with friends, long time friends...who knows u might end up marrying one of ur best friends/friends whatever. As for sex, i kinda agree with u Gilainne, its like the ultimate form of love, and resevering it for "the one" sounds right...unless ur marrying just for the fun of it! But sex shouldn't only be reserved for husbands, if the feelings are right and its mutual between the both of u...then why not...it might strengthen whats already there...but ALWAYS BE TRUE!
date: 10:08 pm - Wednesday,January 29, 2003

entry 78
name: Willie
message:
interesting topics and deep thought in here, i fink its worth reading. About sex, i still cant understand y us, the males careing about girl's virginity so much... in my opion, sex will onli happen when both side like/luv each other (well....in most of the cases), if they luv each other y would they care about virginity? i fink its kinda sexism how woman r treated...
date: 0:59 am - Thursday,January 30, 2003

entry 79
name: Henward
message:
well, to my opinion relationship is a bond that only two people share, it is no uncommon to engage in a threesome but must be carefull, attachment is easy, and u must keep ur heart with one person, my opinion is that if u wanna cheat, dont get into a relationship, jsut sleep around, im not judging ppl who sleep around, its a choice, like a colour of hair, hairstyle, car, foods and music, sleeping around is a lifestyle choice that one chooses, but if you say to someone that u are theirs and they are yours...then make it that way, one day, someone will deceive you and you will feel the pain that the others feel... love is mind body and soul, and i think that to hve one you must hvae the other two, to feel absolute love, you must love the three aspects and without that, love is not love but either lust or infatuation... love is through the bad, through the good, and love is eternity even if ur not with that person anymore.... relatiosnhips can be an anchor or a propeller.... but which one is up to you to determine and how you live it....i choose mine to be a propeller and refuse to let it dampen my future and freedom....if it dampens yours.... then maybe you should consider the definition of freedom
date: 1:06 am - Thursday,January 30, 2003

entry 80
name: SillyCatSteven
message:
Presonally, i believe the key factor in a relationship is not trust, nor honesty ,nor commitment, and probably not love either. What a lasting relationship needs from both sides are the abilty to forgive, to know when to stop an argument and take a step back to cool off, and also the unwellingness to hurt eachother. All other factors (turst, love.....) grow from these or will come with time. i also want to point something out on the intimacy issue. i believe that intimacy/sex can be the same. It's like trying to classify shapes in maths. A quadrilateral may be a square in some cases, but quadrilaterals are not all squares. It's the same with intimacy. Sex may involve intimacy in some cases, but having sex doesn't mean intimacy has to be involved. i also believe that intimacy can exist whenever and wherever the couple allows it. Whether it's sex, a look, a smile, a special tone of voice, a quick squeeze of hand, a quick kiss, or even just the feeling of his/her presence... the list goes on. Finally... about "Love". i'm sorry, but i only have 3 words, "I Don't Know..." i thought i knew, but i fact i don't. A illusion was shattered. And maybe, later, i'll be glad for the delution to end... but not yet.. not just yet.
date: 5:19 am - Friday,January 31, 2003

entry 81
name: Logan - Trapped in Darkness
message:
Well done Gil! Excellente! I must agree on the many factors you have listed that are 'responisiblities' attached to that of a boy who wishes to be with a girl (or boy-boy, girl-girl depending on how your socialology works) that must be carried through inorder to succeed in a relationship. Although I must say in reality "teenage romance" doesn't really last that long yet there are some rare cases, most of the time teenages when they mature and grow up end up marrying someone else. Now true-love/love depending how you put it, I can't really say much on this 'cause frankly I'm still waiting for my turn and won't have a clue on what this is all about. Fate, soul mates, destiny ~ these words elude me now since I've grown to hate them because of events taken place which I shall not explain. This doesn't mean I won't eventually accept these terms ~ just have to get cracking to understand them better and acknowledge them. I have been reading this book "FALLING IN LOVE", don't ask me why, heck I don't even know ~ curious I guess. And it quotes "Falling in love is one of life's four great upheavals. We are born, we love, we have children, we die. Although only tow are inevitable (for love and children do not come to everyone) all of them are events of power and danger." Apparently as Gil you have quoted, love seems to not come easy and if you manage to hook yourself on, must agree to make an effort to make it work or else why else would you do it in the first place? (I'm specifically targeting a friend who mistook this idea and turned in some laughing joke matter) Pretty well done again Gil, keep it up and heck you may even write your own book someday and be worldwide for everyone to read.
date: 10:16 am - Friday,January 31, 2003

entry 84
name: TrunkzTheMighty
message:
My OFICIAL REPLY: I don't usually do this... but i decided 2, so bare with me .... i have defided my reply into 6 easy-2-follow replys 4 every paragraph Gilanne has put together SO BRILLIANTL! i would just like 2 say, gilanne, u write did a BRILLIANT JOB! i am really inspired (i got goosbumps) Paragraph 1 ur 1st paragraph makes a few good points 2nd paragraph once again, BRILLIANT!,i could not agree more with what u said there, but then we hit the 3rd paragraph and there goes ur whole story! "the spark" as it is revered 2 is the amount of flair u have in ur relationship, it is like a fire, if u feed the fire, it will b BIG!, if u don't, it will die out, ie, if u do romantic stuff or anything that will make the flame grow, DO it, or else, it will die, trust me, thats what happened 2 me, i did not pay attention 2 my fire and it DIED! but the spark i think ur talking about is a TOTALY DIF ONE! Paragraph 3 Giving eachother SPACE! that is important, don't b mislead by one another, don't let a nice lil picture b pulled over your eyes and just sit back while the world FLIES BY! it happened 2 me... i was "pussy whooped" and it was HORRIBLE, not 4 me, but 4 my friends... i was CONTROLED, and that is NOT good, so try 2 stay out of that sorta situations, and yes, DO SPEND time 2gether!!! just don't let it RULE your life! artical 2, paragraph 4 SEX what can i say, i will say the following.... EVERY WORD U SAID IS TRUE! and NO, it is not old fashined, it is just the PLAIN way it IS! 4 a damn good reason aswell, if u just go around doing it with every one, u won't EVER no true love... it will b lost 2 u, cos all that true love will mean 2 u is sex... and every man can give that 2 u, so take some advise from a FOOL, have SEX with 1 person and 1 person ONLY, and u will have it 4 the REST of your LIFE! cos if u jump from the one 2 the next... it just loses ALL meaning! TRUST ME! Paragraph 5 Its all fate, so wait..... well if thats how u see it.... then u have another thing coming 4 u, i have seen ppl WAITING their WHOLE LIFES! yet nothing... u have 2 actually attempt it, if ronny asked out G and she said no, she is waiting 4 mr right, she would WAIT 4 EVER! so go out there and grab the world with BOTH HANDS! (and feet if u can) Paragraph 6 There is nothing 2 say about this paragraph, cos it is just so beuatifull! And now i am done, thankz 4 reading, and now i will leave u with a quote about Jeloucy (i came up with this myself) testing the limits in a relationship: "It's good to put wood on the fire, but don't put too much on, or you will burn down the house!"
date: 5:34 am - Wednesday,February 5, 2003